theTrialsofSelfEvolution

It is my solemn vow to one day be published...not just on the internet, because anyone can do this (no offense, blogger.com...you still rock), but I'm talking about real life, in your face, stamped on paper published...even if I have to do it myself. The only sizeable collection of writings I have are nothing more than entries I put on a disk that traces a large chunk of my life, some of which I will copy and paste onto this site as the dates of those writings celebrate their anniversaries.

But looking back over the words I saved to disk, I am constantly amazed at how far removed from who I once was. The feelings that were expressed are all familiar, and I can close my eyes and almost put myself back into that place or that respective situation, but the person who went through those experiences is a stranger to me. It saddens me in a way, because I never want to grow too far apart from who I once was, but it also gladdens me because I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have come more or less full circle in the span of a year, when countless people who suffered from what I suffered from are still in recovery decades after inception.

Self-discovery is a bitch. I know this because I began that process 365 days ago, and am still treading down that path. But it is necessary...and through the forthcoming random postings, you'll see why I believe that to be an imperative journey...but unfortunately, I'm too damn tired at the moment to get any further deeper into this discussion.

Goodnight, my friends...

destinytoaskeptic

Is it wrong to believe in destiny? Is it mundane to -not- believe in some sort of whimsical form of fate? Is it wrong to believe in the concept of destiny at the same time as believing that life is made of the choices we make? I know people who believe in one train of thought, and I know people who believe in the exact opposite, but what is so difficult is the fact that both sides are so convincing...so is it possible to believe in some sort of hybrid? I do believe that the aftermath of the choices we make shape the way our life will turn out...BUT...I also believe that in this lifetime, there are certain events that are meant to happen...there are certain people we are meant to come in contact with.

And if we are to believe in God, an all knowing, ever present being, should we not believe that our fates have already been foretold? If God is real, then He knows all things...past, present and future. And if that is the case, do we really have what is referred to as "free will" or "freedom of choice" or are we merely making strategic moves in a grand game whose outcome has already been written?

Do you see why I am baffled? Do you see why I believe both sides? I cannot side with one and not side with the other. I'd just like to think that there is this lovely little area of gray, medium ground where fate and our own freedom of choice can coexist and bounce off one another. You see, it is times such as this that I wish blogger was interactive, and people could write in on some sort of message board and share their opinions with me. Maybe there is some way I can rig this site into being something like that...we'll see what happens.

It's time for bed now...but I will leave with one last comment...

Sometimes it feels really good to believe in magic...

Have a wonderful night, people of the world...

a karmic wish

So today I returned to the place I had thrived on escaping over the past few days only to be reminded of exactly how thankless it truly is. And to rub the festering, molded icing on the cake, I was confronted with an individual of the tackiest degree. Have you ever met someone who takes it upon themselves to say just about anything and everything that finds its way into their narrow, puny minds? How nauseating. How completely and utterly gut churning. Haven't you ever just wanted to take a blade, slice them down the middle and throw them into shark infested waters while they kick and scream and flail around like a helpless little gimp? Alright my fair readers, I do apologize for the heavy handed, gory imagery you've just read, and to answer all of you fearful blogger patrons, "NO" I would never do any such thing to a fellow human being, although thoughts of carnage and savage sea attacks do tend to be rather cathartic when trying to rid the mind and soul of any ill-mannered will toward any respective bone head you may be facing.

So, I suppose I'll just say my peace and hope that my joy-joy feelings return with a swiftness...To all of you laughably unintelligent pig-screwers out there, it is unfortunate that what you do and the things that you say are able to have an adverse effect on your fellow homosapiens, but that is a truth we must all deal with. The fact that you are allowed to roam the streets amongst the decent, free citizens of this world is a tragedy, and I just hope that when karma comes looking to check you off of it's list, that I am around. When that thunderbolt of searing, wicked hot lightning shoots down to nip you in your flabby little asses, I hope that I am streetside, sitting in a comfy lawn chair eating a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream...because even though I am lactose intolerant to the umpteenth degree, suffering a double-toilet paper roll deficit would be well worth the while to be able to watch you running down the way grabbing your ass screaming various phrases such as "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I know that I suck!" or "I'm sorry! It's true! I do screw pigs!" or "I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I do suffer from bad judgement, and not just in my appearance but in everything I do and say!"

Whew! So I've vented...and done such a good job of it that I feel 5 pounds lighter. Wow. Maybe I should find a way to parlay this into some sort of taught course I could offer podunk little night schools...."How to lose weight by going off" There's my million dollar idea!

So...to all you avengers of "Good Times" and otherwise decent human beings,
I wish you all a good night...

So, it's been a few days...I realize that must seem strange considering the roll I was on a week ago. But, things have calmed and I've returned...wow.

So the world has been quite crazy for the last few days. Energy was high, nerves were on edge, breathing was shallow. Chaos fluttered around like a leaf fighting against the breeze, and though the fight grew tiresome at times, finding small moments of peace in an impromptu slow dance or a simple sing along made it all worth the effort. You may find yourself dead center in the most amazing collage you've ever seen, but the small, quiet pieces of that grand puzzle will always be the beauty that you remember and keep with you, locked safely away in your mind for future reference...and comfort. It would be nice if we could all carry that line of thought with us throughout our lives. I know I sometimes feel guilty because I've trained myself to search out the beauty in the smaller, more simple things in life, and just about every day, at least once, I am moved, and at least once, I find myself in a better place, as a better person...even if it's only for a moment, it is still a small treasure. I feel guilty because not everyone gets to experience that, and I just wish I could share with the world...so hopefully through this little contraption, known as the almighty blogger...I can find a way to do just that.

See you soon...